


California, I Hope That It Wakes You

by religiouslyunkind666



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Goes Back To California, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington - Freeform, M/M, Please Read I Got Sad Writing This, Steve Misses Billy, They Graduated, max is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-05-16 10:25:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19316296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/religiouslyunkind666/pseuds/religiouslyunkind666
Summary: "Do you miss them, even for a second? I know it wasn't your home but.... I hope you have some good memories from this place."Billy goes back to California after graduation and Steve writes to him from Hawkins. Max is sad, Steve feels lost, and Billy is far.Title from California by Mason Jennings.





	1. August 27, 1985 - Steve

Billy,

 

How have you been? Have you found the California sun yet? I'm sitting here and I can't come up with the reasons why I'm writing this to you. I guess there were some things that were left unsaid that night, things I'm not even sure I could write down right now. Is it weird to say that I miss you? My house feels a whole lot emptier without you in it. A whole lot cleaner too, haha. I guess it's just returned back to normal. I lived like this once before and I should've known you weren't going to stay in Hawkins forever. No one should, this place makes your hair gray and your soul die. I guess it's good that you got out while you could, something tells me I might not be able to. You never fit here, with your California tan during all of those awful winters. Do you miss them, even for a second? I know it wasn't your home but.... I hope you have some good memories from this place. You seem less intimidating from here, pen to paper, where I can't see that little scowl of yours. See? You would never let me get away with that face to face. How far are you from Hawkins? I thought I saw you coming into Scoops last Wednesday. He had blonde hair like yours and was wearing one of those denim jackets you traded in for your leather one when it got too cold. He wasn't you, he turned around and he was anything but you. But for a second there, it was like you were back in this place. 

 

Have you talked to Max? I know she wouldn't tell you but I think she misses you. She put on some Metallica tape when I was driving the kids to the arcade; we all thought it was shit and told her to turn it off but she just stared out the window. And then I didn't want her to turn it off because it reminded me of when you would drive us around. 

 

Remember the first time I sat in the front seat of that Camaro? I couldn't sleep, I was walking in the streets at 3AM like some psychopath and then you saw me and you yelled at me to get in the car. You seemed mad and I didn't get why but I was too tired to fight it. And you turned on the radio and they were playing some Madonna song, and you started talking about real music, how we needed to listen to "real" music and then you put on Metallica. And it sounded awful. It was loud and angry and all in your face, and it was you. I wanted to ask Max for the tape but she seemed sad and I didn't want her to feel like she was losing more of you. I know you and her were never that close but she cares, Billy. And she misses you and I don't think she knows how to say it. 

 

The town seems boring now that you've left it. Like the light has left it and we're walking around in the dark. But Hawkins is a scary place, even if you never believed me and I'm glad you ran. All of the parties seem less.... I don't know what the word is. But they're not the same. It's weird, you left your mark everywhere and now you're just gone. And now what? We're not in high school, I think people are realizing it more and more. 

 

I feel lost, like I'm walking through life blindfolded. Like the days are passing me by and I can't grab on. And now it feels like this is it. It's hard sometimes to imagine that there's a world outside of this place and then I remember that there has to be, because you're in it. You're living life, everyone is, and I don't know how to get in there. But I have these little shits to take care of, that's something, right? Don't make some babysitter joke, if you end up responding to this. 

 

Will you respond to this? I got a hand cramp for nothing if you aren't. But I'd get it. It's not like you left Hawkins and we were best buddies. Billy, you needed to get out of here. I couldn't let you stay for someone who you wouldn't even remember in a couple years. You know that and I know that. You couldn't stay here, you have your writing to share with the world. Become something and don't come back here. Don't come back Billy, because I don't think I could let you go again. I hope that someday, you'll get all of this. 

 

Write back if you can and if you don't, I'll be okay.

 

\- Steve


	2. September 3, 1985 - Billy

Steve, 

 

I wasn't going to respond; out of pride, out of guilt for leaving that night. The letter is sitting on my desk and I've read it every night since its arrival. The corners of the page are now worn from all the nights I've held it in order to fall asleep, if you can believe that. For the record, I would never make some babysitting joke. How could I show such disrespect to such a hardworking single mother? Also, how dare you insult Metallica when you listen to Duran Duran unironically? But I'm glad to hear that it reminds you of me, even if I'm pretty sure there was an insult in there somewhere.

 

I talked to Max upon your request; she has so much indifference in her voice, it's difficult to imagine that she cares about me as much as you believe her to. But that's the thing about you Steve, you see the good in everyone. It's one of your many virtues and it'll be your demise. 

 

I wanted to apologize for yelling at you that night and for making a mess of your house. I'm not like you Steve; you're soft and light and full of empathy. I'm still trying to unlearn all those traits that Neil instilled in me, like lashing out when you're not sure what's coming next. Sometimes, I see myself and I'm afraid that I'm becoming him. I'm trying so hard to be someone else, but what if it's in my nature? What if it's just in the cards for me? I feel incurable every now and then; I have these things I wanna say and they just come out like shouts. I can't even look at Max at times, knowing all of the shit I've done to her. I can't ever forget this look of fear in her eyes that she had on one of our car rides home. She looked at me like I was some monster, and I was. She feels tense around me and that makes me tense up around her and we're just walking around in circles. But God Steve, she's the only fucking family I have. And I don't know how to say all this shit to her, the words don't come out. 

 

I think I idealized this place and now I'm realizing that any semblance of home that once existed here, no longer is. I feel like I left a part of myself back in Hawkins. God, I never thought I would say that. 

 

I worry about you Steve; you're restless at night and it scares me that I can't be there to hold you through the night any longer. But I guess you have Robin there now. And you two are happy, right? Like all of the sappy shit you used to recall when talking about Nancy, do you get that feeling with her? 

 

I'm remembering one of the nights where I was driving you around because you couldn't sleep and you started telling me all those memories you had of Nancy. All the places that we drove around to, you seemed to have some story to say about them. The entire town was dark and you seemed to bring it to life, even then. You had this light in your eyes and all of this passion in your voice, I think I loved you that night more than I will ever love anything in my life. I don't care if that's a strange thing to say to a friend. You love things Steve, figure out what you can do with all that love and you'll never feel lost again. 

 

Yours, 

            Billy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, Billy responded! I didn't really know whether I wanted him to respond or not. I think there's this interesting sense of mystery at the thought of what he would say and if he would answer at all, that I kind of wanted to keep there? But I had two very lovely people comment and say that they wanted to read his response, so I figured I'd let him say something. If their dynamic isn't very clear, they're friends with possibly something else, though they've never really explored that. They believe themselves to merely be friends, though it's apparent from the text, that it runs deeper than that. Steve is dating Robin... I'm sorry! It doesn't necessarily indicate that they're happy or that Billy and Steve's relationship won't develop any further but through their friendship dynamic, I thought it'd be an interesting twist. Let me know what you guys thought, the comments I saw really warmed my heart and let me know of any parts that you liked and if you were surprised by the fact that Steve is dating someone. I'M SORRY!!!


	3. September 5, 1985 - Steve

Billy, 

I’m glad you responded. That week long silence really had me thinking you’d thrown my letter away. Or that it’d gotten lost in the mail and that it would be a good idea to write you another one. It had me thinking a lot of things. Your silence made a couple customers very mad at me, since I started getting orders wrong thinking about the letter in your hands. And then you replied and things went back to the normal. People even started leaving tips in the jar, which they never do.

You didn’t need to send the Metallica tape. Have you gotten a job yet? I don’t want you wasting money if you need it. But thanks anyways. I was opening it and I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that you’d held it in your hands and now it was in mine. Sorry, I know that’s a dorky thought.

I was thinking about what you could do about that little problem of yours that you’re having with Max and then it came to me. If you can’t say all of those things to her, why don’t you write them? It’s been working pretty well with us. Kind of. Anyways, maybe she just needs to know that you care too and she’ll want to open up. I know it can be weird when you don’t talk about those things but someone needs to break that tension, right?  
Just think about it. 

Also, you’re no Neil. Maybe the Billy who first moved to Hawkins was on the road to becoming Neil but present day Billy is no Neil. You’re changing and trying to be better and you care about people. You have regret, you’ve apologized to the people you’ve hurt (most of them anyway). Are those things Neil would do? Billy, there’s so much good in you that I wish you could see. You have to let yourself be seen in that way. It’s not weak to show you care about people. Remember that the next time you feel that tough guy act coming on. I’m going to be there for you, even when you don’t want me there and I’m not gonna let you become him.

I was wondering, do you ever think about us? I don’t think I’ve ever felt something like this with anyone. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have written to you in the first place. I think it makes me miss you too much. It’s weird but I can feel it in my bones, the distance between us. I can’t put that feeling into words, words that don’t make me sound like some hippie lunatic. I’m not sure, maybe I’ve just never had a friend like you. 

It’s just, Robin found your letter right? It was sitting on the coffee table and I guess she was cleaning and got curious. She brought it up and she seemed calm. She asked me questions like what college you’d gotten into and what that whole thing had been like for you. But there was this look in her eye and this like slowness to her voice, like I was telling her some lie. She was really still and it reminded me of when Nancy would talk to me, when she thought I was messing around with girls but didn’t want to seem crazy, bringing it up out of nowhere.

You left these things in my house. I know that the polite thing would be to give them back to you but I can’t seem to bring myself to? Robin thinks I should throw them away, that I’m “moping.”

I don’t think she gets it, what it’s like to lose someone like you. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone else that’s like you, Billy. You just don’t. I don’t know what all of this is, sometimes I just get in my head about these things.

I’m waiting for your response, so you can tell me what all of this means. You’re the one in college, after all. Talk to me, don’t let your stupid pride get in the way of us. And don’t wait another week, you’re just taunting me at that point. 

\- Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! There was kind of a lot of details in this chapter? I don’t know, I thought a lot about it. Billy sent Steve the Kill ‘Em All tape that Max had!!! Also, if you noticed the dates, which I kind of put as an afterthought, Billy had waited like a week to respond to Steve, which Steve calls him out on. Robin is sensing that something is up in Billy & Steve’s friendship, if you couldn’t tell. But Steve is rather naive and can’t really understand all of the feelings that he’s having. I also wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments!!! They really motivate you to keep writing and it makes me feel like genuinely giddy to read them all. I love you all, thank you for loving my work and letting me know how it makes you feel. Also, should I continue this, even if the third season is coming out tomorrow? I’m kind of scared!!! Like if something happens to one of our boys and then I’m just writing this. Let me know, I love hearing from you guys.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm an emotional wreck! This was my first time writing fanfic, though I've been reading it for a while now. It was unintentionally inspired by California by Mason Jennings, as I wrote the whole thing and needed a title and then I remembered the song. But it fits the story so well!! There's a section where Steve says that Max misses him and doesn't know how to say it but I think that section also applies to Steve. He's speaking through Max in a sense, though she does miss him. Also, Billy's Metallica cassette is the Kill 'Em All album that came out in 1983. Also, I'm not sure if Billy was mad at Steve because he could've hurt himself out there or because he'd had to endure some of Neil's abuse that night. Maybe both? Steve is going through some sort of post-high school crisis, which I kind of imagine for him. Please comment, because I want to hear what all of you think about this. React in the comments because I want someone to share all of my emotions with!!! Also, would you guys like to read Billy's response? Let me know!!! And thanks for reading this section if you got here!!! Follow my Tumblr which is the exact username as the one for my AO3 because I might be posting on there too? Not sure but aren't you curious to find out now? Oh, you're not? That's okay, comment what you think anyways :(


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